Arcane

Great scene in the episode of "Arcane" we watched tonight. Character notes that, when you choose a child's name, you're picking one word they will have to live with forever.

Well, we know that's not true, now don't we?

I'll Let You Know

There comes a certain point when it starts being silly to think you wish your parents were still around. My dad, for example, would be 103 years old. People live that long, from time to time, but he wouldn't be the guy that I remember. Mom would be 95. Ditto on her.

But, of course, when you say you wish your parents were still around, you don't mean "at the age they'd be." You mean "the way that I remember them." My wife has four parents (originals divorced, so two steps, in a rather remarkably successful, albeit also problematic, family structure). She also has a sister she's close to. I have a sister, but we're not close. I have a son. He changed his name.

So my wife calls, or is called by, four parents and a sister fairly often. I don't get called by anyone. Well, my son called, after he changed his name. He seems to be distantly aware that I don't have much to talk with him about anymore. Maybe I should talk to him. But it's hard to be conversational with someone you raised with his mother, your wife, after he has done everything in his power to make sure he has no discernable connection to you.

This all means I'm feeling a bit lonely. Now, being honest, I'll say I was never a big holiday-gathering person before. My mom always made this sickening dessert item called a "blintz" at Christmas. I suppose it became mostly psychological in origin, but my reaction when made to eat one was to gag. Literally, like my stomach would heave and I'd nearly throw up. She knew this, but made me eat one every single year. So, around this time, we'd all be saying, "Christmas is coming! Yay!" Except I'd be wondering if she was going to make blintzes again, or would this be the year she stopped? She stopped when I went to college. Or, at least, I made it clear I wasn't eating the fucking things anymore.

Okay, so clearly "home for the holidays" wasn't this big source of familial joy for me. It's just working out that I am stuck with some acute reasons to know I'm without any meaningful family outside my home. And, blintzes being only once a year and all, I do remember some times I miss. We used to get dinner sometimes, at the Army/Navy Country Club, in Arlington, when I was little. (The club, which is not a taxpayer funded thing in any way, was founded 100 years ago this year, btw.) I rode in the back of our big white "Chrysler car," as we always called it.

There was a stream that ran over the road in a place called "Rock Creek Park." It was always a fun part of those outings to drive oh-so-slowly right through it. I'd always put on my blue blazer when we'd go. It was a big deal, just going there. It felt kind of important, and grown up, and special.

That's what I wish were still here. That family. I don't have it now, not even with my own offspring.

Dad passed away 28 years ago. Mom was nine years ago. I get that it never stops hurting. I had been wondering when I'd stop feeling bad about not being able to reinvent my childhood. Now it's not a "when" question anymore. It's an "if" question. Check back with me in a while. I'll let you know.

Still Keepin' My Head Down

Well, I've been pretty good about not listening to news or reading news sites. As I expected, some big chunks find their ways to me. Dumb Trump wants Dr. Oz to head Medicaid/Medicare. Now that might affect me, since I'm over 65. But, as always, the question is: what can I do about it? My wife's company has good insurance for us both. If that changes, my employer offers excellent options. So we'll see. Even if Oz and Dumb Trump do something destructive that affects me, I don't see how knowing what they're doing helps me much.

Closer to home, I do want to help people less fortunate. On the strength of an online friend's endorsement, I gave $25 to a person I don't know, who got fired after coming out as trans. Was going to give another $25 to a different person in trouble for the same reason, but they only took money via PayPal and PayPal is just too problematic. That second $25 will go to someone else.

Been doing some streaming. Having fun with that. Learned a bit about tensors and rotation and moments of inertia. They tried to teach me some of it in the late '70s, when I was a student of physics. But, well, that wasn't the time. It's relevant to my work with Unity, so I'm learning it now, almost 50 years later. Fortunately, the laws of physics don't change much in half a century. Not Newton's laws, anyway.

Still bummed about my son. Feels like he erased me, or himself from my family, or something like that. He called me a few days back, and asked how I felt about everything since the election. It was a short call. He texted us some silly thing about his contact lenses. His mother answered. I didn't. I don't feel quite like I have a son anymore. F____ U____ is a good guy. The world will be better with him in it than it would have been without him. But I don't feel like we're really family now. My wife is still a Miller, but she has said once or twice that she actually thinks she should not have changed her name. I could have understood it at the time and I told her so then. I don't know if she'll change it back. She might. Whether she does or not, though, I guess this is the end of the Miller name as a lineage. By itself, that doesn't bother me. But my son erased it. That does bother me.

Takes the edge off Dumb Trump being president, though, a bit.

Will continue to keep my head down. That's working better for me than I actually thought it would.

First Order

My son took calculus in high school. He was a math wiz in the earlier grades, but that was due to his innate aptitude for numbers, not a result of study. His aptitude was pretty impressive. He even proved some entry-level theorems in number theory. But he did not like to learn things, partly because he found learning hard. Back when I was his age, people who were smart (like him) but learned slowly (like him) were told, "You're not applying yourself!" (like me, and always with that exclamation point). But by his high school years we knew better. Not everyone learns at the same rate, which means even some smart people learn slowly. The smart ones, unfortunately for them, spend their early years thinking they don't need to learn. Which lasts until their innate aptitude no longer covers what they are asked to learn.

So when he took on calculus, he hit his limit (heh, see what I did there?). He did not innately comprehend what a derivative was. I offered to help him, but it turned out that was kind of the absolute last thing in the world he wanted. Still, his math teacher and I met with him and she straight-up told him he wasn't going to make it unless he took some help and that I was the best source of that he had. So he agreed. ("Agreed," the way the eldest son of a powerful emperor "agrees" to marry the unpleasant daughter of the king of a neighboring land, which typically isn't known for an overwhelming display of enthusiasm.)

We went right home and got to it. I figured if I could help him over that basic hump and get him to see how math could define a derivative for him, he might actually just take off on his own. Or, if not on his own, he'd see that help from me didn't have to be a crushing omnipresence in his life. He most certainly did have the smarts to comprehend it. For your amusement, here is what I tried to show him. It's the means by which you take the derivative of the function for a parabola:

He did not really look at it. He just wanted what we were doing (which was me trying to help him) to be over. When I realized that's where we were, and where we were going to stay, I told him he could ask me again any time he wanted some help, but he was free to operate on his own. He never asked me for help again. I don't think he knows what a derivative is to this day, although I'll be quick to admit that probably doesn't have any direct adverse effect on him. Most of the benefit of learning math or science for the average person is probably in their awareness that they can learn such things. Also, that such things are definite and reliable. You know, that science is real and math can answer questions for you. He probably got that much anyway.

Still, I wish he'd let me help him. He could have done it all on his own, after just a bit of that. That's what a good parent ought to do, I think. You try to help them just enough to let them see they can do things on their own.

Well, I did try.

Ignorance Actually is Bliss

I stopped reading the news. No AP, no NPR (listening on the radio, in that case). Dumped CNN ages ago (the Trump townhall followed by Anderson Cooper's condescending lecture about only listening to people I agree with, or whatever it was). Pretty much dumped Washington Post because so much is behind a paywall. Dumped NYTimes long ago (the Jayson Blair fiasco, followed by way too little admission of responsibility).

Now, because I cruise Mastodon (which I love), some news reaches me anyway. The fact that Trump just kicked Nikki Haley and Mike Pompeo to the curb came up. That he's not following a transition system did too. But so what? Whether I know what Trump is doing (or Putin, or Netanyahu), I know what I am doing. I am voting for Democrats, donating money to institutions that help people who need it, and trying my best to be a good teacher for the last hope our world has. I'm just not going to do those things any better, more often, or differently if I read about Trump's latest mispronunciation of a country's name, the body count in Gaza, or the fact that Mike Meadows registered to vote from the address of a house he's never seen.

Remarkably, I find I'm happier. Whatever good I can do the world, I am doing at least as much as before. Maybe I'm doing even more, since I'm moping a bit less. So it turns out that, actually, ignorance can be blissful. One hears of a duty to "be an informed voter." Well, no information I've received in over 20 years has made any difference to how I was going to vote before I received it. At the risk of making my world-class arrogance all the more visible, I'll say I am informed enough already. I don't need to know anything new about politics, my national government, NATO, or Elon Musk. Locally, I may get more engaged. Like, I am definitely going to ask my city council how they plan to stop cars from using the new green bike lanes on US 1 as passenger drop-off shoulders. As a former local elected official, I know a bit about how to make change happen in that context.

Also, we have a BLM sign in our yard. It's a custom job that starts, "In this house, we believe..." and ends with, "you will like our cooking." Some pro-equality, pro-science stuff is in between. So, if you are trans, gay, black, brown, using a wheelchair, or are just another human being out to live in peace with the rest of us, and the Nazis, or the MAGAts, or the cops with Oath Keeper pins on their uniforms are chasing you down the street, or even just following you in a way that you don't like, knock on our door. We'll let you in and keep them out. The cops can come back if they can get a warrant. The rest can fuck off. And, yes, we have the means to keep you and us safe, at least up to a point. Better than on the street, for sure. That much I will always do, no matter what it says on the front page, some web site, or at the top of the hour on WETA. You've got an ally here if you need me. And I'll be in a fairly cheerful mood when you arrive. Because I won't have read the news that day.

What's in a Name?

My son changed his name. He kept his first name, dropped the middle and last. He took on his mother's pre-marriage name. He added two new middle names which were the first and middle names we had thought of for him originally.

He had said long ago he would do this and went by his new last name quasi-legally for four years of college. It was pretty clear (because he said so) that this was about not being me, or any work-product of mine. I thought he'd mature out of it, but that's not what happened.

So he's not a Miller anymore. I do feel rejected. Don't think I can talk to anyone about it, though. Some things, you just know they're not going to provoke the reactions you want them to. But I feel like he's passed away, somewhat. Not gone completely. Just not quite the son I had the day I met him. He was so tiny. Was howling his head off. I put my hand on his chest, which kind of meant I covered most of him up entirely. I gave him gentle little shakes and said, "It's okay. Daddy's here. It's okay." Daddy. That was me. And I was trying to make it be okay, which I thought I actually could, just being Daddy and by Daddy being there.

He wants thirteen-thousand bucks to pay a tutor for a skill he needs professionally. We said a couple months ago he could have it, if he got a job that paid a certain minimum (so we could be sure he wouldn't be asking us for expense money as well). He got one, but it comes up about 10% short of the minimum. I doubt we're going to hold fast on that, though I think we should. Also, for whatever reason, he hasn't started it yet. Something about background checks that, in my humble opinion, should have been wrapped up weeks ago. So I don't know where that's going. I just know I already promised the money, so I'm keeping that promise. He and his mother can work out the details, though.

Wouldn't be surprised if the name change validates, in their minds, the dismissive opinion my in-laws have of me. What says "loser" more than a man whose son drops his father's name?

Haven't read any news since election day. Not going to. I don't need to read anything to know what's going on, at least to the extent that I need to know. I'll vote left, donate left, talk left. Not like I need to know what some jackass is doing in that house down the road a few miles.

I'm focusing on what I have left to do in life. I can help a few other parents' sons and daughters make something of themselves. A few seem genuinely to like me or, at least, be glad I'm teaching some of their classes. I can't take any joy in my son's accomplishments because he insists I had nothing to do with any of them. Okay. I'll take joy in having something to do with other children's accomplishments. With any luck, I'll say or show them something that helps them build a better world. There are some good young men and women where I work. I don't think a jackass, or even the majority jackass country mine has currently become, can stop them from leaving this place a little better than they found it.

Wish my son thought I'd done something like that for him.

Post-Election Day Blues

My wife's father called her this morning. He's a chronically depressed man. Interacting with him is exhausting because he mostly wants you to feel guilty for trying to cheer him up, sorry for him that you can't, and ashamed of yourself for not being a better person. Once you get the joke, it's easy not to let him get you down. It is still exhausting to interact with him, though. You spend most of your time in a kind of maintenance mode, hoping not to provoke him into going on much longer.

Of course, a lot of us are glum today. Trump won, after all. He won pretty clearly, too. That's enough to get any clear-minded person feeling blue. So he called, and my wife talked to him for a few minutes. But, much to my surprise and even more so to her credit, she told him she'd call back later because she was in the middle of a card game with me. I straight up told her I was glad she did that. We were just trying to amuse ourselves so we could get on with another workday, despite the election. He's retired, so he can afford to fritter whatever part of his remaining time wants to on pointless phone calls. She told him she knew he'd probably just go on at some length about how bad it all was, and she just wasn't ready for it. Well, good for her. I need her support as much as he does, and he has his own wife.

My son change his last (and middle) name recently, mostly not to be named after me, I think (his new last name is his mother's name from before we got married). I could call him, but I don't want to. I do wish someone would call me, or that I had someone else to call, but that's not the way it's going to go. My folks both moved on to the next world some years ago.

Well, if I did have a call with anyone, we'd probably just go on at some length about how bad it all is. I'm better of without that.

Another Trump term. This time, he got there with the help of an insane billionaire who thinks the world is a toy. He's backed again by ignorant gun nuts and grifters with bible in their hands. The best defense we have is built into the fact that he's an idiot. He promised a wall he never built. He promised health care he never delivered. He promised a GDP we never got. He can't really do much that gets to me personally, or even much ideologically. Oh, he can hurt a lot of people. Some live in Gaza. Some in Ukraine. Some here in America. But probably not me or anyone I love dearly. We'll survive him.

But I plan to resist. More than and in ways I never have before. Nothing violent. Nothing criminal. But I'm done being nice. I'm done respecting cultures that preach or teach bigotry or bullshit.

I'm done with a lot of things today.

Do wish one of my parents would call me, though.

Election Day Blues

We're all on edge. Me too. But I'm kind of blue today because of something that happened yesterday. It had nothing to do with the election. Not quite sure I want to be specific about it. No one died, nor have I been told I'm terminally ill. I just got hit with something that made me sad. On top of that, my instincts are telling me that the person I might usually rely on for some emotional support won't see it as the same kind of punch in the gut I do, so I'm not really in a position to share it. Indeed, I'm only writing here because I am pretty sure no one reads this thing, ever. Just nice to be able to say I'm kind of down about something where, in theory, someone else might end up knowing I said so.

I hope Kamala wins today. Good news doesn't cancel bad news, but double doses of bad news are bad for the digestion, you know?

If she doesn't, well, we got through four years of a petulant man-child before. We'll do it again. Take note: he promised health care for everyone at low prices, a big beautiful wall that Mexico would pay for, and overturning Roe. He only did one of those things, and that's being reversed by the people in a lot of states today. His biggest achievement was delivering a vaccine in record time. Now, most of his supporters refuse to take that vaccine. Yes, he did awful things, like cutting taxes for the rich, banning transgender service in the military, and taking us out of the Paris accords. But, mostly, he was just a useless buffoon, drawing fake hurricane paths on NOAA maps with his Sharpie and suggesting we cure Covid with a shot of Lemon Pledge. He definitely hurt people, and he will again if he wins. We have to be ready to help those people, give them safe havens, and stand between them and those who would do them harm (because that's harm done to us as well). But he can't find enough capable people, much less any who play well together, to accomplish anything big or lasting. If he wins again, he'll make a lot of noise, call people a lot of names, and appoint rich idiots to positions they can't handle. We'll suffer from a lack of competent government, but I doubt we'll be in much danger from one.

So feeling a little blue today for a couple of reasons. Even if Kamala wins, we all know now that America isn't great today. That's one reason. She may lose, and that's another. Something came at me yesterday that didn't make me happy. That's another too.

Here's a little bit I wrote on a somewhat better day. It still works today. That's a help:

    To leave this place a little better than I found it.
    To finish with a little bit of style.
    To be remembered by a few folks, fondly,
    If only for a little while.