What's in a Name?

My son changed his name. He kept his first name, dropped the middle and last. He took on his mother's pre-marriage name. He added two new middle names which were the first and middle names we had thought of for him originally.

He had said long ago he would do this and went by his new last name quasi-legally for four years of college. It was pretty clear (because he said so) that this was about not being me, or any work-product of mine. I thought he'd mature out of it, but that's not what happened.

So he's not a Miller anymore. I do feel rejected. Don't think I can talk to anyone about it, though. Some things, you just know they're not going to provoke the reactions you want them to. But I feel like he's passed away, somewhat. Not gone completely. Just not quite the son I had the day I met him. He was so tiny. Was howling his head off. I put my hand on his chest, which kind of meant I covered most of him up entirely. I gave him gentle little shakes and said, "It's okay. Daddy's here. It's okay." Daddy. That was me. And I was trying to make it be okay, which I thought I actually could, just being Daddy and by Daddy being there.

He wants thirteen-thousand bucks to pay a tutor for a skill he needs professionally. We said a couple months ago he could have it, if he got a job that paid a certain minimum (so we could be sure he wouldn't be asking us for expense money as well). He got one, but it comes up about 10% short of the minimum. I doubt we're going to hold fast on that, though I think we should. Also, for whatever reason, he hasn't started it yet. Something about background checks that, in my humble opinion, should have been wrapped up weeks ago. So I don't know where that's going. I just know I already promised the money, so I'm keeping that promise. He and his mother can work out the details, though.

Wouldn't be surprised if the name change validates, in their minds, the dismissive opinion my in-laws have of me. What says "loser" more than a man whose son drops his father's name?

Haven't read any news since election day. Not going to. I don't need to read anything to know what's going on, at least to the extent that I need to know. I'll vote left, donate left, talk left. Not like I need to know what some jackass is doing in that house down the road a few miles.

I'm focusing on what I have left to do in life. I can help a few other parents' sons and daughters make something of themselves. A few seem genuinely to like me or, at least, be glad I'm teaching some of their classes. I can't take any joy in my son's accomplishments because he insists I had nothing to do with any of them. Okay. I'll take joy in having something to do with other children's accomplishments. With any luck, I'll say or show them something that helps them build a better world. There are some good young men and women where I work. I don't think a jackass, or even the majority jackass country mine has currently become, can stop them from leaving this place a little better than they found it.

Wish my son thought I'd done something like that for him.